Simply Parenting: Curiosity, Not Control

Welcome to Happy Homes Counseling's first newsletter! This first series will consist primarily of parenting support. Stay tuned for other topics on attachment & relationships and mindful living. If this doesn't interest you, please feel free to unsubscribe.

Parenting isn’t just about setting rules — it’s about staying connected when your child resists, shuts down, or pushes back. In this issue, we’re looking at what might be going on beneath the surface when kids seem defiant — and how small moments of curiosity can shift everything.

🧠 Simply Parenting: More-to-it-iveness You ask your teen to take out the trash at least three times. Still nothing. You snap: “I’m turning off the internet until it’s done.” You might wonder, "Why won’t they just take responsibility? Do they even care?" But beneath the eye rolls and resistance, there’s often something deeper. That’s where their more-to-it-iveness comes in — and where your curiosity as a parent becomes a powerful tool. When kids are constantly being told what to do at school and at home, it wears on them. By the time you ask them to own another task, they may feel maxed out. So they push back. Or shut down. It’s not always defiance. Sometimes it’s fatigue. Sometimes, it’s a deeper need trying to get your attention.

If your child avoids a chore or snaps, try starting here: “What’s been on your mind today? You seem stressed.” Even if they don’t open up right away, the tone matters. It invites reflection, not resistance. You might offer: “I get that video games are your outlet. I want you to enjoy them — and I also need you to get off in 30 minutes. I’ll come back then.” Whether they follow through or not, that’s a moment to stay connected, not just correct. Keep asking gentle questions. “What happened at school?” “What’s been bothering you at home?” “Could there be more to it?”

There usually is. Maybe they’re holding on to a conflict with a friend. Maybe they’re still upset about something you didn’t know hurt them. Maybe they’re more responsible than they’re ready to admit. This is where you can lead by example. “I realize I’ve been short with you lately. That’s on me.” Name what’s hard for you. Model what it looks like to take responsibility without blame. That’s how you help them access their more-to-it-iveness. Not through lectures. But through example.

As they start to reflect, they begin to understand: Why didn’t I follow through? What was I really feeling? What do I need right now? And that’s where real growth happens — in the space between structure and empathy. Between asking them to step up and showing them how.

🌀 Your Weekly Reflection When my child pushes back or shuts down, how can I ask, “Could there be more to it?” — instead of jumping straight to correction?

Warmly, David Elliot LCSW, Individual & Family Therapist